Day 14: When God Seems Distant

I am not sure if I have ever felt the absence of God in my life. But, then again, I have never had a truly solid walk with God, and in many ways, I am still a child in my development of a relationship with him.

In our small group this morning, we talked about memories we had from childhood about church and our images of God. Many shared their experiences growing up in Southern Baptist churches and knowing a God worthy to be feared. Class ran out of time, and I didn't have an opportunity to share that for me, it was slightly different.

I can remember taking myself to church when I was younger...sometimes going on my own without any parents. Walking or taking a church bus to a church in town when I was in 3rd and 4th grades. My mother remarried to a Southern Baptist minister when I was in 5th grade and of course attendance at his church became regular for me. The one big difference for me, was that the God I always heard about and knew was not a God to be feared. He was one of love, and one that would do great things in your life if only you had faith in him and accepted his word.

The only thing I think I really missed along the way was that I am not sure I understood that I could have a relationship with God....a personal relationship. A friendship! I didn't quite understand that there were things that I had to do on my half of the relationship. I think I assumed that if I became a Christian, God would take care of everything else, and I would be home free. I am now learning that this isn't the case, and that my years of neglecting my half of a relationship with God has brought me to a place where I am indeed a Christian, but am a quite immature one.

I don't always feel close to God. Some days I still struggle to even think about him consistently. But this study is truly helping me understand my role in not only worshipping, but in the other aspects of a Christian life, such as fellowship and ministry.

It is scary for me. I sometimes wonder if there is anyone else out there who doubts and fears and questions everything as much as I do. Darryl assures me there are, but sometimes I look around and wonder how I ended up in a place with people who seem to know so much about God's word and seem to understand how to have a solid relationship with him. I am thankful for this book, however, because it has begun to answer questions for me that I might have never known the answers to...simply because I was never ready to ask.

Thinking About My Purpose

Point to Ponder: God is real, no matter how I feel.

Verse to Remember: "For God has said, 'I will never leave you, I will never abandon you.'" Hebrews 13:5 (TEV)

Question to Consider: How can I stay focused on God's presence, especially when he feels distant?

I think that when the time comes for me to be truly tested, I will most likely turn to Darryl for help. I am very lucky to be able to turn to him with questions, and concerns and fears. He has helped me so much in this journey, and I know he will continue to when I need him most.

I think I will also have to make sure I make a committed effort to take time each day to purposefully focus on God. Just as I strive now to keep God in the center of my daily life, I will hopefully continue those same techniques even when I don't feel God reaching out to me.

The Sunday that Darryl and I started attending church together again regularly a few months ago was a Sunday when our pastor was out recovering from surgery. Members of the church gave testimonials during the morning service. There was one family who spoke...I do not remember their names, and have not had a chance to meet them yet. The husband had found out he had cancer. He and his wife spoke of how the church helped them, how God helped them, and how their faith has helped them through this ordeal. One thing that I remember him saying that I have recalled many times during these past few months was when he was talking about how when he was first diagnosed with cancer, he thanked God for allowing that trial to be placed in his life. He said that at first he did not really feel the thankfulness, but he prayed it anyway because he knew it was the right thing to do. In time, he began to really BE thankful for that trial in his life, but it was not easy.

I often find myself doing things to try and build my relationship with God that feel foreign, or that I do because I know I should, not because I want to. Perhaps some people may say that is insincere, but to me I do it because I know I should....and I know that as I do it more, and begin to really believe and understand it...it will help my faith grow. It works for me now....perhaps it will continue to work for me in times when I will need it most.